It’s definitely been a while since I decided to write on my blog. “Why”? you may ask, because I have been through the mill the last 7 months since my last post, which wasnt exactly the most happiest of posts either, but mental health issues can do that to you.
Since May 2015, I have seen my depression and anxiety reach new levels and manifest brand new side effects, one of which is to have panic attacks about going out and at times, in all honesty, I didn’t think I would make it through this time.
But I am still here, I took on the total shittiness of 2015, especially the last few months of it, that just kept on flinging it right at me, and I won, because I made it out of there, battle scarred, hurt, feeling abandoned and unloved but I made it through and that is the important thing.
I have been told to “get over it”, “get on with it”, “it could be worse” and quite possibly the best one, “you brought this on yourself”!! I suggest that if you have ever uttered these words to someone suffering from mental health issues, then you go and read up about what its like to live with this, because believe me, if we could just get on with it, get over etc, WE WOULD!!! If only it was that simple.
People assume that you are weak because of a mental health disorder, but in fact we are strong, and it has taken 2015 for me to realise that. I wont go into details over what has happened, but I will say that I have dealt with a LOT the last few months and at times it very nearly broke me, but I managed to carry on, because deep down, I want to. I won’t let this win, even though there may be the black cloud living over me for days, I won’t let it consume me.
I am still a long way from being fully healthy, but I am trying to take a step back from all the negativity in my life and concentrating for the first time in a long time on what actually makes me happy, something I have overlooked for far too long. What I have found is that I am a person who likes the simple things, I like chilling out with Toad watching tv or a film, I love seeing his art work for his GCSE’s, I love having Oscar, the cat, sat on my knee purring away while he gets his chin tickled, I love watching the sun setting from the balcony windows and on the odd occaision I can actually focus at that hour, the sun rising over the Anglican Cathedral. these may be very small basic things, and the list is now getting a fair bit longer, but they are important to me and help me keep hold of the knowledge that even through the bad times, there are always small little lights that can always shine through even the darkest cloud.
Hopefully, 2016 will be a year that I can look back on and say yes, this was a good year that was filled with love, happiness and a light that will shine through the blackest of black clouds.